MacBigot Cached Glances

Now, we completely acknowledge that there are some Democrats who are above average; and should add that we are personally aware of more than a handful of Republicrats that think they will continue to get away with fooling Conservatives into believing they are represented in Washington D.C. — much the same way that most minority and low-income voters are continually courted into believing the Democrat Party is A Good Thing (and that their adversary, the Republican Party, hates anyone without a Platinum card).

“The poor have been voting democrat for 50 years and they’re still poor.” -Charles Barkley

I wonder what happened to the people in Congress who used to believe our actual enemy was tyranny, famine, pestilence, and foreign invaders? Must no longer be ‘cool’ to think that any more.

I have had dozens of conversations in the last year in which my Left-leaning friends are SHOCKED to learn that we Conservatives don’t want orphans to starve, immigrants to drown on their way here, and oil barons to rule the world with an iron money clip.

And those conversations make me angry — not just because these caricatures are baseless; but because I have a higher expectation of my fellow man than to believe the average American can consider divisive people like Katie Couric and Keith Olberman to be moral arbitors.

Can the country really be so weak-minded? I keep hearing Republicans call Glenn Beck a liar (apparently he is too much Conservative and too little — if at all — Republican); yet from the dozens of his shows I have caught, I have never once heard him say anything that I could not independently verify.

So everyone seems to prefer to sell lies for votes, and mistrust for allegiance. Impressive.

I will say to both political parties the same thing that I said to the Dems when John Kerry was running against Bush: ‘Is this truly the best you (we) can do?’ And to the Republicans, now: McCain? Really?

Finally, here is one writer’s take on the dichotomy of the Liberal mind (h/t to IOWAHAWK for sharing), and the reason I am thinking today about cranial misfires:

Why I Am A Democrat

I sometimes hear the question, “Why are you a Democrat?” and frankly, I have to laugh. Laugh and laugh, because perhaps this person may tire of my laughing, and he will eventually wander off. Sometimes I ponder seriously when I hear this question, because I’ll look around and around and there’s nobody there asking the question. Why am I a Democrat?

I am a Democrat because I believe everyone deserves a chance. And if necessary, a second chance. And if, by the eighth or ninth chance, this guy needs another chance, I mean, come on. This guy is due.

I am a Democrat because I believe in helping those in need. All of us, you and I, have an obligation to those less fortunate. You go first, okay? I’m a little short this week.

I am a Democrat because I believe in the equality of all people, regardless of their race. That is why I think we should give free medical degrees to minorities because, well, duh. Like any of those types are going to make it through medical school.

I am a Democrat because I fervently believe in tolerance. Tolerance is critical in our diverse society, and if you have a problem with that, mister, then I will inform the authorities and I bet that after a few hours in their “special room” you too will agree that tolerance is critical.

I am a Democrat because I believe that we should take our noses out of other people’s bedrooms. I say we move the noses to their banks and storage sheds and scout troops, and so forth.

I am a Democrat because I hold sacred freedom of the press, as well as freedom of the TV and freedom of the movie. Where I draw the line is freedom of the talk radio, and don’t even get me started about that damn Internet business.

I am a Democrat because I recognize that education is important. Very, very, extremely very important. We must increase spending on education and enact important education reforms, such as eliminating standardized tests. Because we can never hope to measure this beautiful, elusive, important thing we call education.

I am a Democrat because I believe in the separation of church and state. We must stop the religious extremists who want school-sanctioned prayers. Now, you tell me – with all that chanting and praying and incense-burning going on, how can our kids concentrate on the big condom-and-banana midterm?

I am a Democrat because I believe in the rights of women, be they lawyers or housewives or skanky interns. For too long women have been the victims of discrimination, and we must target programs to help these women, and also the various people who have descended from women.

I am a Democrat because I believe in women’s right to choose. I mean, not a church school or a tax shelter, or something like that, obviously. Let’s be reasonable.

I am a Democrat because I believe in the rule of law. Or, at least, lawyers. Because hey, according to my attorney, I could have been on the Number 7 bus when it crashed yesterday. As far as you know.

I am a Democrat because I believe a healthy economy depends on good jobs at good wages. So fork ‘em over, you fat b@stard boss man.

I am a Democrat because I believe the government should step in to create good jobs when that fat b@stard boss man moves my good job to Mexico. Hey, I know! Maybe we can take all the money that boss man spends on non-job-creating stuff, like solid gold yachts and mink spats, and use that money to create jobs.

I am a Democrat because I fear the power of giant unrestrained monopolies, such as Microsoft, Nike, Parker Brothers, Univac and the Erie Canal Company. The government must wage an unrelenting, all-out war to crush these scary monopolies to a pulp before they get too powerful.

I am a Democrat because I believe in a strong military. Strong, yes, but caring and thoughtful too, and ready to face new challenges. A military that enjoys long strolls on the beach, cuddling in front of a warm fire, unafraid to show its vulnerable side. Must be NS/DDF.

I am a Democrat because I believe there is too much violence in society, especially in our schools. To avoid another Columbine tragedy, we should have mellow “rap” sessions with at-risk teens, such as the Goths. The violence will only end after the teen Goths see that we adults really care, and are “hip” to their groovy teen Goth scene.

I am a Democrat because I believe in campaign finance reform. Sadly, our politics are dominated by advertisements, paid for by the contributions of giant corporations. All too often, these drown out legitimate grassroots opinions, like the kind heard on TimeWarner-AOL-CNN, TimesCorp, or Disney-ABC.

I am a Democrat because I believe in public support of the arts. By “the arts,” I of course mean those things made by, or excreted by, an artist of some sort. It is especially important that art be provocative and take controversial stances, like opposing Jesse Helms, and so on.

I am a Democrat because I believe in the environment and conservation. For instance, we must raise the price of gasoline, like they do in Europe, to increase conservation. If we don’t, there will soon be a big gas shortage, and this will mean higher gasoline prices for you and me.

I am a Democrat because I detest greed. Especially the sickening greed of those who struck it rich in the 1980s, and greedily refuse to give me any of their stuff.

I am a Democrat because I… hey look! A new episode of Survivor! Geez, I hope they don’t vote off Jenna, she’s my favorite.

This year, please do some homework before you vote. If you are one of the many who are disparaging Fox News — because you think they are being unfair — perhaps you yourself can let up on the countless hours of inhaling the fumes at Huffington Post?

Another gem from the mailbag…

The ANT AND THE GRASSHOPPER (OLD VERSION)

The ant works hard in the withering heat all summer long, building his house and laying up supplies for the winter.

The grasshopper thinks the ant is a fool and laughs and dances and plays the summer away.

Come winter, the ant is warm and well fed.

The grasshopper has no food or shelter, so he dies out in the cold.

MORAL OF THE (OLD) STORY: Be responsible for yourself!

———-

The ANT AND THE GRASSHOPPER (MODERN VERSION)

The ant works hard in the withering heat and the rain all summer long, building his house and laying up supplies for the winter.

The grasshopper thinks the ant is a fool and laughs and dances and plays the summer away.

Come winter, the shivering grasshopper calls a press conference and demands to know why the ant should be allowed to be warm and well fed while he is cold and starving.

CBS, NBC , PBS, CNN, And ABC show up to provide pictures of the shivering grasshopper next to a video of the ant in his comfortable home with a table filled with food.

America is stunned by the sharp contrast.

How can this be, that in a country of such wealth, this poor grasshopper is allowed to suffer so?

Kermit the Frog appears on Oprah with the grasshopper, and everybody cries when they sing, ‘It’s Not Easy Being Green…’

ACORN stages a demonstration in front of the ant’s house where the news stations film the group singing, “We shall overcome.”

Then Rev. Jeremiah Wright has the group kneel down to pray for the grasshopper’s sake, and whimpers, “Gawd DANG the hill-makers!”

President Obama points out that it’s clear the ant ‘acted stupidly’ and blames President Bush, President Reagan, Christopher Columbus, and the Pope for the grasshopper’s plight.

Nancy Pelosi & Harry Reid exclaim in an interview with Larry King that the ant has gotten rich off the back of the Grasshopper, and both call for an immediate tax hike on the ant to make him pay his fair share.

Janeane Garofalo appears in half a dozen YouTube videos, ranting about ‘Green Hate’ being the only reason the ant has no moral barriers to being an Oppressor.

The ant is fined for failing to hire a proportionate number of non-ants and, having nothing left to pay his retroactive taxes, his home is confiscated by the ‘Green Czar’ and redistributed to the grasshopper.

The story ends as we see the grasshopper and his free-loading friends finishing up the last bits of the ant’s food while the government house he is in, which, as you recall, just happens to be the ant’s old house crumbles around them because the grasshopper doesn’t maintain it.

The ant has disappeared in the snow, never to be seen again.

The grasshopper is later found dead and in possession of some bad grass — and the house, now abandoned, is taken over by a gang of spiders who terrorize the ramshackle, once prosperous and peaceful, neighborhood.

The entire neighborhood collapses, then the city, then the county, then finally the state takes notice and steps in to restore order — but the Federal Government intercedes to inform the State that Congress has finally disposed of the rest of the Constitution and the State no longer has the right to police itself. The country falls to chaos, bringing the rest of the free world with it. The only survivors are half of Congress, most of Hollywood, and the major news networks (from this point on, there is never a lack for bad news to report).

MORAL OF THE (NEW) STORY: Be careful how you vote in 2010.

I get a lot of crap in my (many) mailbox(es); but every once in a while I receive something so heartwarming that I can’t bear to keep it to myself. BUT, I don’t want to be one of those people who forward little cat pictures or unbelievable stories to my entire contact list — so, I post them here, on my blog (which you may visit or ignore).

From the mailbag:

Just when you have lost faith in human kindness, someone who teaches at Pine Street Elementary in Spartanburg , SC , forwarded the following letter.

The letter was sent to the Principal’s office after the school had sponsored a luncheon for the elderly. An old lady received a new radio at the lunch as a door prize and was writing to say “thank you.”

Forward to anyone you know who might need a lift today.

—–
Dear Pine Street Elementary:

God bless you for the beautiful radio I won at your recent senior citizens luncheon. I am 84 years old and live at the Rosecrest Retirement Home. All of my family has passed away. I am all alone now and it’s nice to know that someone is thinking of me. God bless you for your kindness to an old forgotten lady.

My roommate is 95 and has always had her own radio, but before I received one, she would never let me listen to hers, even when she was napping. The other day her radio fell off the nightstand and broke into a lot of pieces. It was awful and she was in tears. Her distress over the broken radio touched me and I knew this was God’s way of answering my prayers.

She asked if she could listen to mine, and I told her to kiss my ass.

Thank you for that opportunity.

Sincerely,
Agnes Baker

From the mailbag:

A new employee is hired at the “Tickle Me Elmo” factory and she reports for her first day promptly at 8:00 am.

The next day at 08:45 there is a knock at the personnel manager’s door. The foreman from the assembly line throws open the door and begins to rant and rave about the new employee. He complains that she is incredibly slow and the whole line is backing up, putting the entire production line behind schedule.

The personnel manager decides he should see this for himself, so the two men march down to the factory floor. When they get there the line is so backed up that there are Tickle Me Elmos all over the factory floor and they’re really beginning to pile up.

At the end of the line stands the new employee surrounded by mountains of Tickle Me Elmos. She has a roll of plush red fabric and a huge bag of small marbles. The two men watch in amazement as she cuts a little piece of fabric, wraps it around two marbles, and begins to carefully sew the little package between Elmo’s legs.

The personnel manager bursts into laughter, after several minutes of hysterics he pulls himself together and approaches the woman. “I’m sorry,” he says to her barely able to keep a straight face, “but I think you misunderstood the instructions I gave you yesterday.”

“Your job is to give Elmo two – TEST – TICKLES…”

I grew up believing in Spock. Not the Doctor Spock who literally wrote the controversial book (several, actually) on child rearing, but the character from the classic Star Trek television series, who, despite his fallibility as a living being, could always fall back on logic whenever the universe turned to tribble poo. I believed that things would, could, and should make sense.

As an adult, I have come to understand that this belief in and love of logic is not common. Instead, belief systems or ideals of hate and closed-mindedness rule the earth.

I’m gonna bet that this post will prompt several to come out of the woodwork to ‘explain’ to us that civil rights, education, and equality are all Lefty ideas that have only progressed under, and because of, their watch… but then, that would only prove the point.

What follows (quoted below) is a bit of a joke, pitting the Right and the Left against each others as an estranged married couple, hoping to resolve their differences by parting ways permanently.

Unfortunately, this thing that is presently a country of diverse views is an all-or-nothing proposition; we stand or fail — together. When a Conservative talk show host commented that he hoped Barack Obama’s plan to unhinge the country would fail, he was lambasted by the Media as saying that he hoped the country would fail. For many Americans, this Lefty media lie was accepted as fact; for others, it’s obvious that someone who is destroying American strengths and growing new national weaknesses cannot truthfully be equated to America herself — Barack Obama is not America; he is only an American. Indeed, if he meets his stated objectives and follows the ideals that he and his history of friends have espoused, America will surely be lesser for it — and if he fails, America just might survive.

There are some people living here who grasp what things are unique to American culture — and alternately, which are the reasons people from all over the world strive to come here. An opposing school of thought, driven by charismatic words extolling the virtues of lifestyles and ideals that have driven those societies who do not have what America does — well, they cannot see what they already have in America, because they are being deluded by slick talkers to work toward the same mentality that has driven every great civilization before us into the footnotes of history.

From the mailbag:

SUBJECT: Divorce Proposal
TO: American liberals, leftists, social progressives, socialists, Marxists and Obama supporters, et al:

We have stuck together since the late 1950′s, but the whole of this latest election process has made me realize that I want a divorce. I know we tolerated each other for many years for the sake of future generations, but sadly, this relationship has run its course.

Our two ideological sides of America cannot and will not ever agree on what is right so let’s just end it on friendly terms. We can smile and chalk it up to irreconcilable differences and go our own way.

Here is a model separation agreement:

Our two groups can equitably divide up the country by landmass each taking a portion. That will be the difficult part, but I am sure our two sides can come to a friendly agreement. After that, it should be relatively easy! Our respective representatives can effortlessly divide other assets since both sides have such distinct and disparate tastes.

We don’t like redistributive taxes so you can keep them. You are welcome to the liberal judges and the ACLU. Since you hate guns and war, we’ll take our firearms, the cops, the NRA and the military.

You can keep Oprah, Michael Moore and Rosie O’Donnell (You are, however, responsible for finding a bio-diesel vehicle big enough to move all three of them). We also won’t quibble over your having Ted Turner, Sean Penn, Martin Sheen, Barbara Streisand, & Jane Fonda.

We’ll keep the capitalism, greedy corporations, pharmaceutical companies, WalMart and Wall Street. You can have your beloved homeless, homeboys, hippies and illegal aliens. We’ll keep the hot Alaskan hockey moms, greedy CEO’s and rednecks. We’ll keep the Bibles and give you NBC and Hollywood .

You can make nice with Iran and Palestine and we’ll retain the right to invade and hammer places that threaten us. You can have the peaceniks and war protesters. When our allies or our way of life are under assault, we’ll help provide them security.

We’ll keep our Judeo-Christian values. You are welcome to Islam, Scientology, Humanism and Shirley McClain. You can also have the U.N. But we will no longer be paying the bill.

We’ll keep the SUVs, pickup trucks and oversized luxury cars. You can take every Subaru station wagon you can find.

You can give everyone healthcare if you can find any practicing doctors. We’ll continue to believe healthcare is a luxury and not a right. We’ll keep The Battle Hymn of the Republic and the National Anthem. I’m sure you’ll be happy to substitute Imagine, I’d Like to Teach the World to Sing, Kum Ba Ya or We Are the World.

We’ll practice trickle down economics and you can give trickle up poverty your best shot. Since it often so offends you, we’ll keep our history, our name and our flag.

Would you agree to this? If so, please pass it along to other like minded liberal and conservative patriots and if you do not agree, just hit delete. In the spirit of friendly parting, I’ll bet you answer which one of us will need whose help in 15 years.

Sincerely,
John J. Wall
Law Student and an American

H/t to Engadget.com for this one:

April 19th is Pee Outside Day. Don’t waste the opportunity!

I wish the woman who promised to love, honor, and do my darning had seen this video in time…

Another from the mailbag:

Did you ever wonder why there are no dead penguins on the ice in Antarctica – where do they go?

Wonder no more ! ! !

It is a known fact that the penguin is a very ritualistic bird which lives an extremely ordered and complex life.

The penguin is very committed to its family and will mate for life, as well as maintaining a form of compassionate contact with its offspring throughout its life.

If a penguin is found dead on the ice surface, other members of the family and social circle have been known to dig holes in the ice, using their vestigial wings and beaks, until the hole is deep enough for the dead bird to be rolled into and buried.

The male penguins then gather in a circle around the fresh grave and sing:

“Freeze a jolly good fellow”

“Freeze a jolly good fellow.”

Then they kick him in the ice hole.

You really didn’t believe that I know anything about penguins, did you!?!?

More mirth from the mailbag:

IF ARCHITECTS HAD TO WORK LIKE WEB DESIGNERS

Dear Ms. Architect:

Please design and build me a house. I am not quite sure of what I need, so you should use your discretion. My house should have somewhere between two and forty-five bedrooms. Just make sure the plans are such that the bedrooms can be easily added or deleted. When you bring the blueprints to me, I will make the final decision of what I want. Also, bring me the cost breakdown for each configuration so that I can arbitrarily pick one.

Keep in mind that the house I ultimately choose must cost less than the one I am currently living in. Make sure, however, that you correct all the deficiencies that exist in my current house (the floor of my kitchen vibrates when I walk across it, and the walls don’t have nearly enough insulation in them).

As you design, also keep in mind that I want to keep yearly maintenance costs as low as possible. This should mean the incorporation of extra-cost features like aluminum, vinyl, or composite siding. (If you choose not to specify aluminum, be prepared to explain your decision in detail.)

Please take care that modern design practices and the latest materials are used in construction of the house, as I want it to be a showplace for the most up-to-date ideas and methods. Be alerted, however, that kitchen should be designed to accommodate, among other things, my 1952 Gibson refrigerator.

To insure that you are building the correct house for our entire family, make certain that you contact each of our children, and also our in-laws. My mother-in-law will have very strong feelings about how the house should be designed, since she visits us at least once a year.

Make sure that you weigh all of these options carefully and come to the right decision. I, however, retain the right to overrule any choices that you make.

Please don’t bother me with small details right now. Your job is to develop the overall plans for the house: Get the big picture. At this time, for example, it is not appropriate to be choosing the color of the carpet. However, keep in mind that my wife likes blue.

Also, do not worry at this time about acquiring the resources to build the house itself. Your first priority is to develop detailed plans and specifications. Once I approve these plans, however, I would expect the house to be completed within 48 hours.

While you are designing this house specifically for me, keep in mind that sooner or later I will have to sell it to someone else. It therefore should have appeal to a wide variety of potential buyers. Please make sure before you finalize the plans that there is a consensus of the population in my area that they like the features this house has. I advise you to run up and look at my neighbor’s house that he constructed last year. We like it a great deal. It has many features that we would also like in our new home, particularly the 75-foot swimming pool. With careful engineering, I believe that you can design this into our new house without impacting the final cost.

Please prepare a complete set of blueprints. It is not necessary at this time to do the real design, since they will be used only for construction bids. Be advised, however, that you will be held accountable for any increase of construction costs as a result of later design changes.

You must be thrilled to be working on as an interesting project as this! To be able to use the latest techniques and materials and to be given such freedom in your designs is something that can’t happen very often.

Contact me as soon as possible with your complete ideas and plans.

PS: My wife has just told me that she disagrees with many of the instructions I’ve given you in this letter. As architect, it is your responsibility to resolve these differences. I have tried in the past and have been unable to accomplish this. If you can’t handle this responsibility, I will have to find another architect.

From the mailbag:

Five reasons to believe computers are female:

1. No one but the Creator understands their internal logic.
2. The native language they use to communicate with other computers is incomprehensible to everyone else.
3. The message “Bad command or file name” is about as informative as, “If you don’t know why I’m mad at you, then I’m certainly not going to tell you.”
4. Even your smallest mistakes are stored in long-term memory for later retrieval.
5. No matter what your initial investment, you find yourself spending half of every paycheck on accessories for it.

However, another group of computer scientists (all female) think that computers should be referred to as if they were male.

Their reasons follow:

1. They have a lot of data, but are still clueless.
2. They are supposed to help you solve problems, but half the time they ARE the problem.
3. As soon as you commit to one you realize that, if you had waited a little longer, you could have obtained a better model.
4. In order to get their attention, you have to turn them on.
5. Big power surges knock them out for the rest of the night.

Kim Jossfolk contributed this ‘net’-worthy gem:

A pretty little girl named Suzy was standing on the sidewalk in front of her home. Next to her was a basket containing a number tiny creatures; in her hand was a sign announcing FREE KITTENS.

Suddenly a line of big black cars pulled up beside her. Out of the lead car stepped a tall, grinning man.

“Hi there, little girl, I’m President Obama. What do you have in the basket?” he asked.

“Kittens.” little Suzy said.

How old are they? asked Obama.

Suzy replied, “They’re so young, their eyes aren’t even open yet.”

“And what kind of kittens are they?”

“Democrats,” answered Suzy with a smile.

Obama was delighted. As soon as he returned to his car, he called his PR chief and told him about the little girl and the kittens.

Recognizing the perfect photo op, the two men agreed that the president should return the next day, and, in front of the assembled media, have the girl talk about her discerning kittens.

So the next day, Suzy was again standing on the sidewalk with her basket of “FREE KITTENS” when another motorcade pulled up, this time followed by vans from ABC, NBC, CBS and CNN.

Cameras and audio equipment were quickly set up and rolling, in time to watch Obama glide over to little Suzy.

“Hello, again,” he said, “I’d love it if you would tell all my friends out there what kind of kittens you’re giving away.”

“Yes sir,” Suzy said. “They’re Republicans.”

Taken by surprise, the president stammered, “But… but… yesterday, you told me they were DEMOCRATS.”

Little Suzy smiled and said, “I know. But today, they have their eyes open.”

From the mailbag:

While trying to escape through Pakistan, Osama Bin Laden found a bottle on the sand and picked it up. Suddenly, a female genie rose from the bottle and with a smile said, “Master, may I grant you one wish?” Osama responded, “You ignorant, unworthy daughter-of-a-dog! Don’t you know who I am? I don’t need any common woman giving me anything.”

The shocked genie said, “Please, I must grant you a wish or I will be returned to that bottle forever.” Osama thought a moment, then grumbled about the impertinence of the woman and said, “Very well, I want to awaken with three American women in my bed in the morning. So just do it and be off with you.

The annoyed genie said, “So be it!” and disappeared.

The next morning Bin Laden woke up in bed with Lorena Bobbitt, Tonya Harding and Nancy Pelosi at his side.

His manhood was gone, his knees were broken, and he had no health insurance.

Praise be to Allah, and the wisdom of his followers.

Wow, I have to say, this advertisement (found on a YouTube page) took me completely off-guard. And though I’m sure (knowing human nature) that it will get abused by people who are ‘playing the field’ when they aren’t even supposed to be ‘on the market’ (read: already married) — I have to say that if you’re single, this would have been the place that I would have liked to be listed, before settling down.

Because, despite the ‘modern’ expectations of floating on credit, leveraging against the generations both before and aft, and generally living on borrowed time — my hope as a young man was to be ‘Established’ (by my own definition) before allowing myself the luxury of settling down and becoming responsible for a wife and family.

What was my criteria? Well, when I was in high school and college, I wanted to pass these milestones before tying the knot:

• Have a solid job.
• Have a reliable car.
• Have no outstanding debts.
• Have a place to live (that wasn’t my mother’s house)
• Have a career-plan.
• Have a college degree.
• Be, by my own measure, an ‘adult’.

Well, my own behavior never did match my ideals — and when I finally ‘grew up’ to the point where I was forcing myself to avoid dating at all until I’d notched some of the above off the list, God (and my eventual wife-to-be) stepped in and informed me that they weren’t going to wait on my priorities.

But, if I’d had my ‘druthers, this would have been exactly the vendor that I’d hoped to have a profile on as a young man:

In the end, I can thank both of them (God, and the woman who promised to love, honor, and balance our checkbook) for giving me more happiness, if not financial independence, than I could ever have dreamed of 20 years ago.

It has it’s own web site (TalkLikeAPirate.com), and it’s been written up on Wikipedia; so what more do you want?

UPDATE: Wired.com has a timely article up called, ‘Pirates: A Reality Check – 9 Pirate Myths Examined’